How do I feel?

Today has been a hard day. Sister Maudie said the grief would come in like waves and it would roll out the same way. It seemed like yesterday I really did okay, I had my moments of sadness but it was like I couldn't comprehend. Today, my heart absolutely aches. I don't know how to feel, what is destroying me and what isn't. I know it was Damon's time to go,but that doesn't make it any easier for me. He is still gone. I know he is in Heaven, and that is comforting, but I still want him by my side. I refuse to let this over take me and steal my victory, yet I am so broken hearted. I don't know what is okay to think and what is not. I have all of these emotions, yet I don't want to give a foot hold. There are times where I think it will all be okay, then there are times where I just can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I miss him. I refuse to give up though, you hear me you stupid devil! I REFUSE! So get outa my way, I have heaven to make, and I want to make it even MORE now! I hate the stupid devil! Oh I hate him.