Being completely honest....I read people's blogs about their love and it makes me hurt. Makes me jealous. I HAD that. No, Kasey ISN'T alright. Just because I have good days where I am laughing and taking part in things, doesn't mean all is well. I still hurt. I take that back, I am alright. But what people who are not widows don't understand (or someone who has lost that kind of love) is that the ache is STILL there so you aren't who you were before. You aren't whole. Yes, I should want other people to be happy, but when I read or see all the sappy love stuff that I used to have with Damon...it seems bitter to me. Maybe I need to pray to be happy for them. I am partially, but the other part it feels like salt in an open wound. Damon and me's four year anniversary is coming up. I realized it last night. I have been so busy, that I haven't had much time to think about Dates. March 20th. I married the love of my life, my bestfriend, the man of my dreams, my miracle, four years ago on that day...March 20th, 2004. I could have had a lifetime with Damon and it wouldn't have been enough. He was my mushy love, my romantic love, my practical love, my whimsical love, my cease the moment love, my best friend love, my godly man love, my make me laugh always love, my learning love. He was my pure love, love as a whole. He is gone to heaven, and I am here without him, and it hurts. I AM thankful that I had him, and the love we shared. That doesn't lessen my pain.
Sunday, March 02, 2008
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4 comments:
Sis. Kasey,
I DO understand what you are going through. Let me tell you, you will never get over it. You just learn to live with it and to keep busy so that you don't have time to dwell on it too much cause that would make you really depressed. My husband walked out on me and the boys after we had been married 24 1/2 years. He's been gone for over 5 1/2 years. Let me tell you, it is not easy raising children alone. He was there for the children and then he wasn't and this is hard. But I don have to praise the Lord. You see God has taken care of the boys and I and I have testified many times that God is better to me than a husband could be. God gave me a job, God keeps us well, God helps us when the pipes freeze, etc. He is just a good God. Praise the Lord! I don't like single parenting, but I would hate even worse not having God. If I have choices in life, my choice would be God.
After my husband left for 6 months, and I was struggling so badly, I was asked to take on 4 foster children at midnight before Micah's birthday. Boy, that kept us all busy. No birthday party til later! Four children to make feel at home and safe and buy Christmas things for in addition to my own 3 boys. Seven children as a single parent! Whew!!! But God knew that I needed to stay BUSY and that I needed to see people who were hurting and needing loving. We ended up with many great memories.
Yes, I still love my husband. I promised him that I would love him til death do us part. But I can't love sin and what it does. I can still pray and hope that he will get his life straight. It is very hard for me to write this. I am just bawling like a baby. But I hope that it will help you to know that you are not alone.
I am going to go blow my nose again and then I am going to make peanut butter playdough for my present foster son. I will try to make him happy etc.
Love you.
I'm afraid that I may have been too hard on you. I don't mean to be. I am proud of you because you find things to do to help other people. You were with your grandma, your family, and you have cooked dinner how many times now for others. You are a beautiful singer and I am sure you and Jesus spend much time together in song. Thank you for singing at Micah and Megan's wedding. But of course, singing to Jesus is much more comforting and praising. God dwells in the praises of His people. Keep it up!
Love ya.
I get what you are saying sis connie. :) no worries. I have no right to complain, because you and I both serve a God who is able to help us through the pain, and bitterness, and loss. It is up to me to let Him or not.
Thank the Lord He's there through the pain. We can only take things one day at a time, right? STILL praying for you, I do understand. :o)
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